D-Wars
AKA
Dragon Wars
AKA
Rise Mighty Dawdler
There is not enough alcohol to numb the pain of this movie. Believe me, I tried. Of course, this is really all my boyfriend’s fault. You see, I was sitting around minding my own business when he says, “How about you drink a mojito, I’ll drink a beer and we can watch that Dragon Wars movie that is on our Netflix instant queue.” I don’t think he has ever suggested I drink as I watch a specific movie before so of course I was suspicious. I asked, “Why?” Supposedly, while he was at work he saw the dvd and got curious about it. However, that doesn’t explain why he suggested I drink. I totally bet someone told him how much it sucked and he decided to have fun. See, when we watch bad movies, he doesn’t watch the movie. Oh no, that would be fair. Instead he watches me watch the movie. Anyway, I should have known, but this is a movie about Dragon Wars, how can you go wrong with two dragons duking it out? (Should I answer my own rhetorical question? 1st if it really isn’t a war and 2nd if they aren’t even motherfreaking dragons.) Well, anyway, I’m stupid. We all know it. I know it. He knows it. I agreed.
I sit down with some Phad Thai, pop open a mojito. Oh wait, no I started off with yellow curry, but it was too spicy for me so I switched it out. Oh yes, the play by play of what I ate is boring, but it is more entertaining than the movie. So anyway, the movie starts. Oh God, do I really have to do this? Ok, let me take a deep breath. So the movie starts. Evan started giggling evilly at this point (it is entirely possible he was not giggling evilly and I may have just added that memory because it seems like that is probably what should have been happening, but I doubt it).
We start off seeing some dusty part of California and I suppose there was supposed to have been mass destruction. However, I mean who can really tell the difference in California. Then the movie pans to the pretty boy reporter showing up on the scene. He does his reporter thing with the cops and tries to film it because you know no one is watching what he is doing at a crime scene. So he takes out his handy dandy recorder and comes across what looked like a garbage bag under some dirt. I guess it was supposed to be a dragon (but not really because they aren’t dragons or are they? I mean I think they are just serpents trying to be dragons.) We then have to listen to him give some lame voiceover about how he thinks it is related to him. Eventually we get to his flashback which then leads to another flashback to ancient Korea. So there were serpents named Imoogi and every 500 years one would be rewarded by getting a special Yu Gi Oh card that would let him ascend to Heaven and be a total badass dragon. Some evil serpent named Bukkaki got all in a tissy because he wanted to be badass. So the Heavens instead of actually dealing with the situation turn the card into a girl and send her to earth. They also send two warriors to protect her, an old man and a toddler. Then when the girl is 20 she is supposed to be a fully developed Yu Gi Oh and she is then supposed to go sacrifice herself to the good Imoogi so he can turn into a dragon. The toddler and the girl grow up together and fall in love. As you can imagine the whole thing ends with them screwing it up for everyone else. Also, a bunch of innocent Korean people die because when you have a girl that you KNOW is going to be chased by an evil army that has rocket launching dinosaurs you should absolutely keep her in a heavily populated village. So then it goes back to present time. Oh wait no, it goes to present time of the current flashback and we find out in that flashback that he is the reincarnation of the idiot that screwed everything up to begin with and that he has been reborn because another Yu Gi Oh is about to fully develop and he needs to get her to the good serpent. Well, I am glad the Heavens sent the jackass who messed it up the first time. I mean, we wouldn’t want to send someone that is competent since the fate of you know everything lays in the balance.
Also, during the flashback we learn the guy that sent the movie into the third flashback is the reincarnation of the old man warrior. And wouldn’t you know he didn’t slap that kid in the back of the head once? What the hell. He was all, “This time you have to do it right.” Yeah ok, because being reborn is going to stop a strong case of stupidity. Then we are finally back to present time. Wait, are we? Ok, yes we are. So this guy uses his +1 finding people skills, he gets that from being a reporter, to find this new girl. While all this is going on we get to see the girl and she has some really ugly eyebrows. There were probably important things going on in her scenes, but all you really need to know about are those scary eyebrows. Also, you might want to know that a giant serpent, probably Bukaki, is chasing her. Also, some weird white haired guy and some government people are trying to find her as well. Which means it is time for another tangent from yours truly. Ok, you’re the secretary of defense and you don’t have time to listen to someone say that the creature resembles a creature of legend; however, you easily accept that said creature is following one specific girl?
Long story short, pretty reporter man falls for ugly eyebrow girl after like 3 hours and pretty much go about the path of screwing it up for everyone again. Way to go the Heavens. Nice pick there, retards. This is why atheism is on the rise. Also, the reincarnation keeps showing up disguised as other people instead of just showing up looking like he is supposed to and saying, “Hi.” During the battle there were dinosaurs fighting tanks, but it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. It also went on for way too long. More innocent people died because of stupidity. And I thought the movie blew.
I ended up drinking more than that first mojito during this movie and it was never enough. It struck me that so many people drink when they lose a loved one, when they lose their job, etc and the alcohol numbs their pain, but nothing could dull the pain of this movie. I was even hoping I would black out and forget the whole thing. Oh no, the same the Heavens who in their infinite wisdom sent the same guy to screw things up twice deemed it important that I remember this movie. For those of you faint of heart and weak of stomach do not read this next part – I ate Thai food, had some snacks, drank alcohol and viewed this movie at the same time. My stomach was not happy. About halfway through I had to get up and use the bathroom. And I swear to you on my honor that what was in that toilet afterwards was more entertaining than the movie was. I tried to prove that to Evan, but he refused to see my proof.
I did end up giving this movie two stars on Netflix instead of one, but that is mainly due to the credits. No, nothing exciting happened per se, but Evan had said, “Let’s count how many people are named Kim.” That was the best part of the whole movie. I counted 60, but I was also fairly drunk by that time.
matt Said:
on March 31, 2009 at 7:34 pm
This blog’s great!! Thanks
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