Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys
Aka
Lying there like a lump of dung
This movie isn’t nearly as bad as many other movies I’ve seen. In fact, the only reason it is on here is due to Corey Feldman or more accurately – Corey Feldman’s voice. I’m not exactly sure what the director asked him to do; I can only assume it was something along the lines of, “Pretend like you are taking a shit every time you open your mouth.” Though I suppose it could also be, “Pretend you are a 60 year old woman that has smoked 5 cartons of cigarettes a day since she was 9.” The net effect is he sounded like a pervert which did make the scenes of him talking to his “daughter” pretty funny. For instance there is a part when they need a drop of blood and he says something along the lines of her only needing a little prick. I was expecting there to be a scene with him sitting inside a van asking children if they wanted to see his special baby oopsy.
The movie itself is your typical guardian puppets fight against demonic toys, but not really since most of the movie is Corey Feldman doing his best impression of a man talking after getting hit in the nads, his creepy relationship with his daughter and his awkward attempts to seduce a female cop who has the tiniest nose I have ever seen on a real person. The main villain is a spoiled toy factory owner played by Vanessa Angel. Personally, I can’t totally hate a villain who offers the protagonist mercy sex. That is class.
I haven’t seen all of the Puppet Master movies, but I did miss some of the old puppets that used to be in the gang. I especially miss Leech-woman, but probably not as much as those male puppets do. They get an upgrade in the movie, I’m not exactly sure why. However, it did make for a fun conversion between Evan and myself:
Me: Poor Six Shooter. He used to just be holding his guns so he could drop them if he needed his hands. Now his arms are lasers. What happens if he has to wipe his butt?
Evan: You know right now Pinhead is thinking, “Oh fuck, I’m the only one with hands now.”
(Just FYI that isn’t totally true, Jester has one hand left.)
The Demonic Toys were mostly obnoxious. I blame the Child’s Play movies; it set the precedence of dolls making snarky comments which are supposed to be so rude they’re funny. Anyway, Baby Oopsy is clever because he adds the word “bitch” to the end of sentences and makes call announcing himself as Harry Butt. Also he is a doll that uses his body’s natural methane as a propellant for flying. There’s also a jack-in-the-box that is on the movie cover, but really does not get all that much screen time. Which sucks because he looks cool and appeared to be the most powerful of the 3 toys. (Also, the sourdough jack is awesome.) However, I guess a toy is only worth entertainment value if it can pass wind. There was also a teddy bear that makes monkeys sounds, but since it couldn’t fart either it didn’t get much screen time.
Considering its content ,the movie wasn’t all that bad. I didn’t feel an urge to stab myself once (though I felt many urges to stab Corey Feldman so he would shut the hell up.) I did get to learn a valuable lesson from the movie that I will now pass on to you:
If your boss comes up to you and asks if you are a virgin and then wants you to meet the board of directors, don’t do it. In fact, if your boss asks if you are a virgin you should get up, leave and then sue for millions of dollars for sexual harassment.
