Rise: Blood Hunter
Aka
Rise: My Lunch
My first hint that this movie was going to suck should have been how the cover somehow made Lucy Liu look like a man in drag. That and the fact that it wasn’t just called Rise, but instead is Rise: Blood Hunter. Don’t they normally reserve colons for sequels? Or maybe the producers just wanted to get the idea of colons into your head so you knew what direction this movie was going.
The movie starts with boobs. Well, a couple of other things happened to lead to boobs, but essentially it starts with boobs. That should have been my third hint this movie was going to suck. It is a scientific fact, if you have boobs in the first 5 minutes of a movie that is going to be the only good thing about it. The plot centers around Sadie Blake, a reporter with a knack for getting black nail polished, thick eyelinered, the world is pain kids to open up to her. Sadie has just made her first cover story by infiltrating some cult where kids like to pretend they are vampires. (This movie is like 14 years too late, vampires have been en vogue since Interview with a Vampire. ) It turns out the cult isn’t just a bunch of whiny, rich kids wanting to be dark, gloomy and prissy; it turns out there really are vampires or something. Somehow the vampires get it into their head that Sadie knows something about them. By the way, I don’t like to ruin movies for people by giving away too much information, but no one ever freaking calls the cops in this movie no matter what happens or what they see. Where was I? Oh yeah, vampires. So for whatever reason that still escapes me they decide she knows something. I guess writing a story on kids drinking pig’s blood means you know all about real vampires. So after deciding for whatever reason she is on to them they decide to do bad, horrible things to her. Don’t worry, if you don’t pick up on the fact that what they did made her day really suck you will get to see it over and over again as the movie shows constant flashbacks to those really bad, horrible things.
Of course, then she wakes up in a morgue a vampire and a bunch of other boring stuff happens until she decides that the thing to do is to kill all the vampires involved in the really bad, horrible things that happen to her. Then there are more boobs, blood and lame dialogue. Oooh, the bald guy from The Shield is in it, so that’s cool. Robert Forster has a bit part in it; you might remember him from D-Wars. Or you might not. I could either digress into an even worse movie or get back to the one I was talking about. Decisions. Decisions.
Rise: In The Pants of Any Teenage Boy Watching This Movie is a vampire movie. It isn’t a fun vampire movie, it isn’t a dark vampire movie. It is just a vampire movie mainly because there are some vampires in it, but I think they were just incidental. The plot was shaky, if there actually was one. There was absolutely no point to it whatsoever. I have to wonder if this movie was thought of in a basement filled with Vampire: The Masquerade players stroking themselves to Quentin Tarintino. I picture this conversation like this:
Asshole 1: Kill Bill was awesome.
Asshole 2: Yeah, Uma Thurman is totally hot.
Asshole 3: I would totally do her.
Asshole 2: Hey, you know what would be awesome?
Asshole 1: If we just killed ourselves right now? (Oh wait sorry, that was what I wanted him to say)
Asshole 2: Like if you had a movie that was like Kill Bill, but with vampires.
Then it just sort of went downhill from there and now the world is stuck with Rise: Blood Hunter. I’ll leave you with this thought: (HA. I can use colons too take that Hollywood people types) If they changed one letter the name would be so much better, Rise: Blood Hunger. Isn’t that totally more relevant to what the movie is actually about?
