Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys

Aka

Lying there like a lump of dung

This movie isn’t nearly as bad as many other movies I’ve seen. In fact, the only reason it is on here is due to Corey Feldman or more accurately – Corey Feldman’s voice. I’m not exactly sure what the director asked him to do; I can only assume it was something along the lines of, “Pretend like you are taking a shit every time you open your mouth.” Though I suppose it could also be, “Pretend you are a 60 year old woman that has smoked 5 cartons of cigarettes a day since she was 9.” The net effect is he sounded like a pervert which did make the scenes of him talking to his “daughter” pretty funny. For instance there is a part when they need a drop of blood and he says something along the lines of her only needing a little prick. I was expecting there to be a scene with him sitting inside a van asking children if they wanted to see his special baby oopsy.

The movie itself is your typical guardian puppets fight against demonic toys, but not really since most of the movie is Corey Feldman doing his best impression of a man talking after getting hit in the nads, his creepy relationship with his daughter and his awkward attempts to seduce a female cop who has the tiniest nose I have ever seen on a real person. The main villain is a spoiled toy factory owner played by Vanessa Angel. Personally, I can’t totally hate a villain who offers the protagonist mercy sex. That is class.

I haven’t seen all of the Puppet Master movies, but I did miss some of the old puppets that used to be in the gang. I especially miss Leech-woman, but probably not as much as those male puppets do. They get an upgrade in the movie, I’m not exactly sure why. However, it did make for a fun conversion between Evan and myself:

Me: Poor Six Shooter. He used to just be holding his guns so he could drop them if he needed his hands. Now his arms are lasers. What happens if he has to wipe his butt?

Evan: You know right now Pinhead is thinking, “Oh fuck, I’m the only one with hands now.”

(Just FYI that isn’t totally true, Jester has one hand left.)

The Demonic Toys were mostly obnoxious. I blame the Child’s Play movies; it set the precedence of dolls making snarky comments which are supposed to be so rude they’re funny. Anyway, Baby Oopsy is clever because he adds the word “bitch” to the end of sentences and makes call announcing himself as Harry Butt. Also he is a doll that uses his body’s natural methane as a propellant for flying. There’s also a jack-in-the-box that is on the movie cover, but really does not get all that much screen time. Which sucks because he looks cool and appeared to be the most powerful of the 3 toys. (Also, the sourdough jack is awesome.) However, I guess a toy is only worth entertainment value if it can pass wind. There was also a teddy bear that makes monkeys sounds, but since it couldn’t fart either it didn’t get much screen time.

Considering its content ,the movie wasn’t all that bad. I didn’t feel an urge to stab myself once (though I felt many urges to stab Corey Feldman so he would shut the hell up.) I did get to learn a valuable lesson from the movie that I will now pass on to you:

If your boss comes up to you and asks if you are a virgin and then wants you to meet the board of directors, don’t do it. In fact, if your boss asks if you are a virgin you should get up, leave and then sue for millions of dollars for sexual harassment.

D-Wars

AKA

Dragon Wars

AKA

Rise Mighty Dawdler

There is not enough alcohol to numb the pain of this movie. Believe me, I tried. Of course, this is really all my boyfriend’s fault. You see, I was sitting around minding my own business when he says, “How about you drink a mojito, I’ll drink a beer and we can watch that Dragon Wars movie that is on our Netflix instant queue.” I don’t think he has ever suggested I drink as I watch a specific movie before so of course I was suspicious. I asked, “Why?” Supposedly, while he was at work he saw the dvd and got curious about it. However, that doesn’t explain why he suggested I drink. I totally bet someone told him how much it sucked and he decided to have fun. See, when we watch bad movies, he doesn’t watch the movie. Oh no, that would be fair. Instead he watches me watch the movie. Anyway, I should have known, but this is a movie about Dragon Wars, how can you go wrong with two dragons duking it out? (Should I answer my own rhetorical question? 1^st if it really isn’t a war and 2^nd if they aren’t even motherfreaking dragons.) Well, anyway, I’m stupid. We all know it. I know it. He knows it. I agreed.

I sit down with some Phad Thai, pop open a mojito. Oh wait, no I started off with yellow curry, but it was too spicy for me so I switched it out. Oh yes, the play by play of what I ate is boring, but it is more entertaining than the movie. So anyway, the movie starts. Oh God, do I really have to do this? Ok, let me take a deep breath. So the movie starts. Evan started giggling evilly at this point (it is entirely possible he was not giggling evilly and I may have just added that memory because it seems like that is probably what should have been happening, but I doubt it).

We start off seeing some dusty part of California and I suppose there was supposed to have been mass destruction. However, I mean who can really tell the difference in California. Then the movie pans to the pretty boy reporter showing up on the scene. He does his reporter thing with the cops and tries to film it because you know no one is watching what he is doing at a crime scene. So he takes out his handy dandy recorder and comes across what looked like a garbage bag under some dirt. I guess it was supposed to be a dragon (but not really because they aren’t dragons or are they? I mean I think they are just serpents trying to be dragons.) We then have to listen to him give some lame voiceover about how he thinks it is related to him. Eventually we get to his flashback which then leads to another flashback to ancient Korea. So there were serpents named Imoogi and every 500 years one would be rewarded by getting a special Yu Gi Oh card that would let him ascend to Heaven and be a total badass dragon. Some evil serpent named Bukkaki got all in a tissy because he wanted to be badass. So the Heavens instead of actually dealing with the situation turn the card into a girl and send her to earth. They also send two warriors to protect her, an old man and a toddler. Then when the girl is 20 she is supposed to be a fully developed Yu Gi Oh and she is then supposed to go sacrifice herself to the good Imoogi so he can turn into a dragon. The toddler and the girl grow up together and fall in love. As you can imagine the whole thing ends with them screwing it up for everyone else. Also, a bunch of innocent Korean people die because when you have a girl that you KNOW is going to be chased by an evil army that has rocket launching dinosaurs you should absolutely keep her in a heavily populated village. So then it goes back to present time. Oh wait no, it goes to present time of the current flashback and we find out in that flashback that he is the reincarnation of the idiot that screwed everything up to begin with and that he has been reborn because another Yu Gi Oh is about to fully develop and he needs to get her to the good serpent. Well, I am glad the Heavens sent the jackass who messed it up the first time. I mean, we wouldn’t want to send someone that is competent since the fate of you know everything lays in the balance.

Also, during the flashback we learn the guy that sent the movie into the third flashback is the reincarnation of the old man warrior. And wouldn’t you know he didn’t slap that kid in the back of the head once? What the hell. He was all, “This time you have to do it right.” Yeah ok, because being reborn is going to stop a strong case of stupidity. Then we are finally back to present time. Wait, are we? Ok, yes we are. So this guy uses his +1 finding people skills, he gets that from being a reporter, to find this new girl. While all this is going on we get to see the girl and she has some really ugly eyebrows. There were probably important things going on in her scenes, but all you really need to know about are those scary eyebrows. Also, you might want to know that a giant serpent, probably Bukaki, is chasing her. Also, some weird white haired guy and some government people are trying to find her as well. Which means it is time for another tangent from yours truly. Ok, you’re the secretary of defense and you don’t have time to listen to someone say that the creature resembles a creature of legend; however, you easily accept that said creature is following one specific girl?

Long story short, pretty reporter man falls for ugly eyebrow girl after like 3 hours and pretty much go about the path of screwing it up for everyone again. Way to go the Heavens. Nice pick there, retards. This is why atheism is on the rise. Also, the reincarnation keeps showing up disguised as other people instead of just showing up looking like he is supposed to and saying, “Hi.” During the battle there were dinosaurs fighting tanks, but it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. It also went on for way too long. More innocent people died because of stupidity. And I thought the movie blew.

I ended up drinking more than that first mojito during this movie and it was never enough. It struck me that so many people drink when they lose a loved one, when they lose their job, etc and the alcohol numbs their pain, but nothing could dull the pain of this movie. I was even hoping I would black out and forget the whole thing. Oh no, the same the Heavens who in their infinite wisdom sent the same guy to screw things up twice deemed it important that I remember this movie. For those of you faint of heart and weak of stomach do not read this next part – I ate Thai food, had some snacks, drank alcohol and viewed this movie at the same time. My stomach was not happy. About halfway through I had to get up and use the bathroom. And I swear to you on my honor that what was in that toilet afterwards was more entertaining than the movie was. I tried to prove that to Evan, but he refused to see my proof.

I did end up giving this movie two stars on Netflix instead of one, but that is mainly due to the credits. No, nothing exciting happened per se, but Evan had said, “Let’s count how many people are named Kim.” That was the best part of the whole movie. I counted 60, but I was also fairly drunk by that time.

Rise: Blood Hunter

Aka

Rise: My Lunch

My first hint that this movie was going to suck should have been how the cover somehow made Lucy Liu look like a man in drag. That and the fact that it wasn’t just called Rise, but instead is Rise: Blood Hunter. Don’t they normally reserve colons for sequels? Or maybe the producers just wanted to get the idea of colons into your head so you knew what direction this movie was going.

The movie starts with boobs. Well, a couple of other things happened to lead to boobs, but essentially it starts with boobs. That should have been my third hint this movie was going to suck. It is a scientific fact, if you have boobs in the first 5 minutes of a movie that is going to be the only good thing about it. The plot centers around Sadie Blake, a reporter with a knack for getting black nail polished, thick eyelinered, the world is pain kids to open up to her. Sadie has just made her first cover story by infiltrating some cult where kids like to pretend they are vampires. (This movie is like 14 years too late, vampires have been en vogue since Interview with a Vampire. ) It turns out the cult isn’t just a bunch of whiny, rich kids wanting to be dark, gloomy and prissy; it turns out there really are vampires or something. Somehow the vampires get it into their head that Sadie knows something about them. By the way, I don’t like to ruin movies for people by giving away too much information, but no one ever freaking calls the cops in this movie no matter what happens or what they see. Where was I? Oh yeah, vampires. So for whatever reason that still escapes me they decide she knows something. I guess writing a story on kids drinking pig’s blood means you know all about real vampires. So after deciding for whatever reason she is on to them they decide to do bad, horrible things to her. Don’t worry, if you don’t pick up on the fact that what they did made her day really suck you will get to see it over and over again as the movie shows constant flashbacks to those really bad, horrible things.

Of course, then she wakes up in a morgue a vampire and a bunch of other boring stuff happens until she decides that the thing to do is to kill all the vampires involved in the really bad, horrible things that happen to her. Then there are more boobs, blood and lame dialogue. Oooh, the bald guy from The Shield is in it, so that’s cool. Robert Forster has a bit part in it; you might remember him from D-Wars. Or you might not. I could either digress into an even worse movie or get back to the one I was talking about. Decisions. Decisions.

Rise: In The Pants of Any Teenage Boy Watching This Movie is a vampire movie. It isn’t a fun vampire movie, it isn’t a dark vampire movie. It is just a vampire movie mainly because there are some vampires in it, but I think they were just incidental. The plot was shaky, if there actually was one. There was absolutely no point to it whatsoever. I have to wonder if this movie was thought of in a basement filled with Vampire: The Masquerade players stroking themselves to Quentin Tarintino. I picture this conversation like this:

Asshole 1: Kill Bill was awesome.

Asshole 2: Yeah, Uma Thurman is totally hot.

Asshole 3: I would totally do her.

Asshole 2: Hey, you know what would be awesome?

Asshole 1: If we just killed ourselves right now? (Oh wait sorry, that was what I wanted him to say)

Asshole 2: Like if you had a movie that was like Kill Bill, but with vampires.

Then it just sort of went downhill from there and now the world is stuck with Rise: Blood Hunter. I’ll leave you with this thought: (HA. I can use colons too take that Hollywood people types) If they changed one letter the name would be so much better, Rise: Blood Hunger. Isn’t that totally more relevant to what the movie is actually about?

Anyway, this is where I talk about things I’ve watched, read, listened to, etc that are so, so, so, so bad.